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We found some of our jokes on another site and stole them back ! If these are not enough , go to : THE SPANKOZ SPANKING CALCULATOR  

or

Try Flanders Buttocks Ointment - clears up rash overnight !

Just a few ideas for next time you order a pizza....have fun!!

1.        If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering .  Ask the person taking the order stop doing that .

2.        Make up a charge-card name . Ask if they accept it .

3.        Use CB lingo where applicable .

4.        Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal .

5.        Terminate the call with , `"Remember, we never had this conversation .''

6.        Answer their questions with questions .

7.        In your breathiest voice , tell them to cut the crap about nutrition , and ask for something sinful .

8.        Tell them to put the crust on top this time .

9.         Ask what the order taker is wearing .

10.       Say hello , act stunned for five seconds , then behave as if they called you .

11.       Rattle off your order with a determined air . If they ask if you would like drinks with that , panic and             become disoriented .

12.     Tell the order taker you're depressed . Get him/her to cheer you up .

13.       Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate . Ask if they need paper .

14.       Act like you know the order taker from somewhere . Say , " Bed-Wetters' Camp , right ? ''

15.       If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right , say, " OK . That'll be $ 19.99 ; please pull up to the             first window . ''

16.       Ask if you get to keep the pizza box . When they say yes , heave a sigh of relief .

17.       Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak . When the call ends , jerk the             mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs .

18.       Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is , in fact , dead.

19.       Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him / her .

20.       Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back .

21.       Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza .

22.       Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself , and say , " Where was I ? Who are you ? ''

23.       Ask what their phone number is . Hang up , call them , and ask again .

24.       Act like you're ringing the police . Report a petty theft .

25.       If he/she suggests anything , adamantly declare , `" I shall not be swayed by your sweet words . ''

26.       Start the conversation with `" My Call to (Pizza Place) , Take 1, and... 
action ! ''

27.       Be vague in your order .

28.       When they repeat your order , say , `" Again , with a little more OOMPH this time . ''

29.       Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying , " This may be my last entry . ''

30.       State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get .

31.      Ask if they're familiar with the term `" spanking a pizza '' . Make up a description to go with the term .               Ask that this be done to your pizza . ( no , we do not need suggestions ! )

32.      Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica . Stop talking at regular intervals to play it .

33.      Make the first topping you order mushrooms . Make the last thing you say , " No mushrooms , please ''. Hang up before they have a chance to respond .

34.      Haggle .

35.      Order a one-inch pizza .

36.      Dance all around the word `
" pizza ''.  Avoid saying it at all costs . If he / she says it , say , `" Please don't              mention that word ''.

37.      Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background . Yell `"OW!'' when a bullet is fired .

38.      If he / she suggests a side order , ask why he / she is punishing you .

39.      Order a steamed pizza .

          40.      Ask if they have had their spanking this week .

If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain , "The last guy / girl let me do it . ''  

What men say and what they REALLY mean.

I don't need to read the instructions...
REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

I missed you...
REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

I brought you a present...
REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the hockey game."

I heard you...
REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that
I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

I DO help around the house!..
REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.
REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's a guy thing...
REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

I can't find it...
REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

It's really a good movie...
REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."

SPANKME OPERA

" LUCKLESS " FROM OUR PARTIES NOW HAS HIS OWN PAGE : WAYNE

( " The basic premise of this site , if you haven't seen the Pants pages , is to substitute key words in lines from the Star Wars movies with the word ' spank ' to create wonderful one-liners . " )

" These Federation types are cowards . The spankings will be short . "

" I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as a spanking . "

" I pray you ( , Hillary - sorry it was too good to pass up . ) will bring compassion and spankings back to the senate . "

" Spanking her is dangerous . If word of this gets out it could generate sympathy for the rebellion in the Senate . "

Top 20 Politically Correct Ways To Call Someone A Pervert :

Found at : D. C. SPANKING

Swiss Air will now allow flight attendants to slap passengers who make sexual advances to them . Not only that , first class passengers can upgrade to a bare bottom spanking !

SOME MORE JOKES - NOT OURS , BUT THEY ARE FREE !
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 Tuesday, 24 November 2009

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